The tone we set matters: communication and co-parenting after separation

When parents separate, the end of their relationship as a couple does not mean the end of their relationship as parents.

For children, the way their parents communicate with one another can have a lasting impact on how they experience life after separation.
 
As an accredited child law specialist, I often see how quickly communication can deteriorate when a relationship has broken down. Decisions about the day-to-day care arrangements, holidays, schooling or payments can become difficult, and disagreements that might once have been resolved through conversation can become deep-rooted with seemingly no prospect of resolution. 

The way parents communicate today can set the tone for co-parenting tomorrow
 
It is understandable that separation can bring difficult emotions. Parents may have genuine and strongly held differences about what is best for their child. They may have significant personal differences which are difficult, or indeed impossible, to put aside. However, none of this should create an impenetrable barrier to respectfully communication about their children. I believe this is where early legal advice can make a real difference.
 
A solicitor's role is not simply to set out legal rights, or re-state their client’s position to the other parent as fact. Each parent will have their own lived experience and being told their experience is “wrong” or “unjustified” is unlikely to move matters forward productively. Often, good legal advice is about helping parents understand their options to improve their situation, identifying the issues that genuinely need to be resolved, finding common ground which can be built on, and thinking creatively to plan a way forward focussing on their child.
 
Importantly, the same principle applies to communication between solicitors. Where lawyers can communicate constructively and proportionately, they can help reduce unnecessary conflict rather than allowing legal correspondence to become another battleground for entrenched positions. Legal correspondence should assist in removing “heat”, not add further fuel to the flames.
 
Children should not be placed in the middle of adult disagreements
 
Children benefit from knowing that, notwithstanding their parents' personal differences, both parents can communicate respectfully and work together to give them the best possible upbringing. That does not mean parents must agree about everything, nor does it mean difficult issues should be ignored. It means finding ways to disagree without allowing that disagreement to define or limit the child's experiences.  
 
In Scotland, when determining specific issues that arise in connection with children, a child's welfare is the paramount consideration to be taken into account. That principle provides an important reminder for parents and professionals alike: the focus should remain on what will best support the child throughout their childhood. There will, of course, be circumstances where negotiation or mediation is not appropriate, such as serious allegations or criminal involvement, meaning urgent court intervention is necessary. However, where constructive communication is possible, I believe it is worth protecting.
 
Laying the foundations today for the years of co-parenting that follow
 
Seeking legal advice early can help parents navigate difficult issues, reduce unnecessary conflict and, importantly, begin that journey with the right tone.
 
There will be important occasions throughout a child's life – school performances, sports events, graduations and, one day, perhaps a wedding – which both parents will wish to attend. These are events which should be enjoyed without the child having to worry about whether their parents can be in the same room. Again, this is something clients should always be encouraged to bear in mind. 
 
The approach of the solicitors involved is just as important in charting a positive way forward for parents. The onus for respectful and constructive communication lies as much with the lawyers as it does with the parents.  If a positive tone seeking common ground is established early, that can go a long way to helping parents’ ability to deal with one another going forward. After all, parents will continue to co-parent long after solicitors are no longer involved.

Related News, Insights & Events